When you’re dealing with a person who has a personality disorder, life is unpredictable. Things can be going really well one moment and explode the next. Anger, resentment, sadness can all come out of the blue and you may not even know what the trigger was, much less how to respond in a way that might calm the situation.
First, if you are still in a living situation or have to deal with a DP on a regular basis, it’s important to know what you’re getting into. Gavin de Becker, a recognized personal safety expert, has devised a simple online method of assessing your risk.
People with personality disorders are more likely to be physically violent and it’s important to understand your risk. Please click here to take the MOSAIC assessment now.
It’s important to understand that emotions are contagious and that a Disordered Person (DP) is a first level carrier.
Their negative emotions are like rabies. If you spend much time with them, you are very likely to become infected. Even worse, they will actively work to infect you because it gives them some relief or satisfaction to see someone else in a similar state of distress. The deck is stacked against you emotionally.
But there are ways to protect yourself from rabid emotional contagions and Medium Chill is one of the most effective.
What is Medium Chill?
Medium Chill is an idea that was born on one of the many Internet boards that serves those who have been affected by people with a personality disorder. It is a simple and powerful concept, but like many simple things, it takes practice to implement fully. In a nutshell, Medium Chill means that:
- You are detached
- You are emotionally disassociated or indifferent
In practice this means that when someone lashes out – you show no anger. When they are nice – you do not reciprocate beyond very mild/polite acknowledgement.
Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they cannot manipulate your reaction, they tend to leave you alone.
Tell them nothing, ask for nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries.
Medium Chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can’t accuse you of giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you’re just not present to them in an emotional way.
I think of Medium Chill as being a highly “professional” state of interaction. No true professional is going to get emotionally involved with a stranger. You adopt that emotionally detached attitude and at least pretend to be indifferent to whatever they say or do.
Medium Chill is effective because DP no longer feel safe in their ability to generate chaos. In many cases, this causes them to back down.
Now you’re back in control. It takes a bit of practice as you learn to disconnect from them emotionally. It’s about more than just boundaries. To put it another way, it’s a two-part process with a specific attitude:
- Never share personal information about yourself
- Never get involved in their problems/drama
Keep a pleasant, modest, implacably calm attitude – never show anger or even compassionate involvement; pay attention, but not too much attention, and never violate items one or two above.
Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your hot buttons and use them against you if they are highly manipulative. So don’t let them know your hot buttons.
When the DP tries to pick a fight with you, you simply deflect, show no interest and no response. This technique is very similar to the old advice to “play dead” with an attacking bear.
Writing? Just Use BIFF
While Medium Chill is the good for dealing with in-person interactions, a slightly different technique is used for written or text communication.
BIFF is an acronym from the book Biff: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People*. Before sending any written communication (and as much as possible, communication with a DP benefits by being written) ask the following questions:
- Is it Brief?
- Is it Informative?
- Is it Friendly?
- Is it Firm?
The Three “A’s”
In addition to keeping your written interactions “BIFF”, it’s important to keep in mind the “Three A’s.” These have no place in a BIFF note or text, so be sure to read carefully for them before sending.
Advice
Does your note contain any advice? Are you telling the other person how to deal with a particular problem a particular way? This almost always triggers a defensive and often attacking response back at you.
Unless the person you’re dealing with specifically asked for your advice (and be careful if a DP has asked for advice, it is often a trap of some sort) it’s usually better not to give it – especially in a BIFF response that’s intended to end the conversation.
If you must give advice, give two limited, specific choices.
Admonishments
Does your note contain any admonishments? In other words, are you speaking to the person like a parent telling a child how to behave? This never works in a BIFF and is unlikely to work, even with a non-disordered person.
When someone is feeling defensive, the last thing they want is for you to tell them they are doing something wrong. The whole point of a BIFF is to calm down and end the conversation, without triggering a defensive response.
Remove any admonishments, personal comments or put-downs.
Apologies
Does your note contain any Apologies? This can be confusing. In general, apologies are a good thing. However, if you are dealing with a DP, they can easily use your apologies against you, like ammunition. Avoid apologizing for anything of substance, or accepting blame.
A DP is obsessed with placing blame on anyone other than themselves and if you apologize in this way, they will use it to prove that it really is: All YOUR Fault! On the other hand, a social, somewhat distancing apology might be okay, like “I’m sorry I’m a few minutes late.” Or: “I’m sorry to see that you’re in this difficult situation.”
Final Edits
After you’ve read your note for the previous triggers, think about how the recipient might respond and then consider whether there is anything you would like to take out, add or change.
Of course, it’s nearly impossible to think like a DP, or know in advance what their response might be. Even the most innocuous thing can set them off. But keeping your notes short, using short, straightforward sentences and small words can go a long way toward clarification.
One more thing, you should never feel obligated to respond to every point, allegation or crisis. In fact, it’s best to simply ignore any jabs, digs, lies or other statements that are meant to hurt and distract you.
Keep your reply focused on the business item you are discussing, and don’t discuss anything emotional at all – your thoughts, feelings, perspective, view of their behavior, will do no good and will only serve to inflame the DP further or give them ammunition to use against you.
Always Keep in Mind
All of these tools should be applied with great care because sometimes the DP becomes more aggressive when Medium Chill is used. It’s often helpful if you can somehow frame your response as being in the Disordered Person’s best interest, but minimizing all contact, especially if it’s in-person, is critical.
And always, always, proceed with caution. You, as the Non, have the best understanding of what will work with your own special Disordered Person.
The more attention you pay to your instincts, behaviors and words, the more knowledge you’ll gain and the more successful you’ll become as navigating the minefield of distancing and divorce. I’ll go more into how to tune into your instincts in another post.
There is, of course, much more. But this is a good place to begin. Strap yourself in, hold on tight, it’s going to be a bumpy ride but the freedom and peace at the end of it are worth more than all the gold in the world.
((hugs))
dia
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Kathy says
I found this post within a reply on the Welcome to Oz yahoo group. I found it interesting that this has been my natural reaction for many years. For my partner, it seems to give him fuel for criticizing me as being cold, and a robot in our relationship which he says is the cause of our problems. But I know that is only how I am around him when he is unstable, I am an otherwise loving and expressive mother to our children and he sees that and feels jealous. I am wondering if you have other de-escalation strategies if he gets more agitated the more calm I appear? I also find that I may seem calm on the outside, but my mind is constantly reviewing what happened, because I often don’t expect the shifts in his mood and it never makes sense to me, and I can’t stop processing. How do I keep from falling into that mind trap that then feels heavy and tense for the rest of my day or for several days?
I am new to this understanding of my partner. On the one hand, it is a relief to know what has been happening to us and to know I am not alone. On the other hand, I am more anxious to still try to get help for this.
Dia says
Thank you for your comment Kathy, I’m sorry you’re going through this. What you describe is very common when dealing with a narcissist. This is because they are not really sure that they are having the feelings, or they don’t trust the feelings they they think they are having unless they see them reflected/emoted through someone else.
In the world of the narcissist, there is only one real, whole, complex person: the narcissist. Everyone else is two-dimensional, there to serve their needs and act as a reflection of the narcissist’s inner state. When that state is in conflict with the external reality, the narcissist becomes unbalanced and works to get it back into alignment. That’s the way s/he feels good again.
So, what you are really asking is if there are any ways to get the narcissist to let go of the idea that they need to express their emotions and have them validated in the only way they find satisfying.
The answer is maybe but, most likely, no. In any given situation, depending on your narcissist and how upset s/he is, you may have success with techniques such as naming the emotion and asking them to calm down; distracting by changing the subject; and setting firm boundaries with consequences.
However, all of these techniques are easily overcome by a raging, or ‘highly focused,’ narcissist. In that case, the best thing you can do is to get as much physical distance between yourself and the narcissist as quickly as possible because there is quite literally nothing you can do to make the situation better.
The understanding that will help you the most is the deep internalization of the knowledge that you cannot control or even effectively influence the emotional state of a person with a personality disorder. Their moods do not fluctuate according to what you do or think or feel, despite what they say or how it may look from your perspective.
Your husband is not angry because you’re calm, if you were happy or engaging, as he says he wants you to be, he would find something else, like the dirty dishes or your hair color or the presidential debate outcomes. The only way to win is not to play.
((hugs))
dia
Hank says
The only way to win is not to play…………great!
The end of “War Games”, Joshua the computer says, ” A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?”
A marriage to a BPD/NPD…..like a game of thermonuclear war. 🙂
Hank
Dia says
Hi Hank!
Unfortunately, for many BPD/NPD people, I believe that statement is true, but the disorder does occur on a spectrum. Plenty of BPD and even NPD people are able to achieve some level of self-awareness and improvement in their relationships.
The real question is how much do you, as a non-disordered person need or want to put up with unhealthy behaviors in order to find out if your particular disordered person is one of those that will improve?
Recognizing and dealing with unhealthy people is a choice, and for most of us, the choice is simply ‘not to play’.
Thanks so much for writing, and best of everything to you.
😀
Cookie says
Thank you so much for your article. It helped me to put words on the behaviors I have adopted by instinct with my narcissistic boss. The medium chill technique has worked good for me, because it gave me back some control in a very difficult situation.
My boss gets furious when she sees that I don’t react to all her blaming, circular monologues, baiting, gossiping, etc. I remain calm, I have no physical reaction, I try to breathe deeply. After a short while, I use body language and turn towards my computer to show her that I need to go back to my work. Also, when I see her in the hallways and I know she’s waiting for me to talk at me, I walk slowly, because I know she would like to see me rush to her with fear.
I never share any personal information with her. I have also removed personal items in my office (photo of my dog, books, hints about upcoming travel plans, etc.), because she would insult/blame me, then {real story} begin talking about my dog, trying to be nice, then tell me that her friend has a better dog than me, because it’s a pure breed and very expensive. That’s the narcissist sandwich: 2 slices of mean and a tiny dollop of nice in the middle, to keep people hoping she’s not as bad as she repeatedly prooves she is.
After months of medium chill, and bouts of silent treatment, she pretty much leaves me alone now. Still, whenever I have to deal with her for work, It drains me of all energy. I can see her games very clearly, and I can’t stand the fact that she’s still actively bullying a few of my colleagues.
Lately, since her tricks didn’t work with me, she’s gone back to an old victim of hers: a very nice, friendly but naive woman who views the boss as a mentor. She obeys to her like a slave would.
The boss also bullies a coworker that was hired last, a 50 year-old man who’s competent, productivd and easy to work with — everything the boss is not. She refuses to train him because she’s afraid he will steal her job. She points every little mistake he makes to him and everyone else, even at meetings with the higher level of management.
This is the hardest thing I have ever faced at work. My colleagues and I had discussions about the boss with the director, and HR was involved at some point, but it didn’t change anything, except our boss was furious to find out she had things “to improve”, and she confronted some of my colleagues with rage and gave me the silent treatment for a month. I’m gathering info on narcissisim and putting words on behaviors that I couldn’t identify, and then I’ll try another conversation with the director.
Thank you again for your help and good luck to everyone dealing with this destructive issue.
Dia says
My goodness, you have really had a difficult situation to navigate, but it sounds like you’re handling it well. Dealing with coworkers and bosses with personality disorders is a challenge that many people don’t fully appreciate, but just like having a partner with a disorder, it can make a person miserable.
As you’ve learned, many of the same techniques used in partner situations can be used in the workplace -sometimes more easily. The trick, as always, is to first identify the bad behavior and then take appropriate steps to protect yourself and your interests.
All the best to you!
😀
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